


I Am You

by babykpats



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Dating, First Dates, M/M, Strippers & Strip Clubs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-30
Updated: 2015-09-30
Packaged: 2018-04-24 02:55:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4902850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babykpats/pseuds/babykpats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mickey gets 'hired' to take an old guy's ex-boyfriend on a shitty date to scare him enough for him to take the old guy back.</p><p>Mickey's suddenly an asshole for hire.</p><p>~</p><p>Based on the movie "My Best Friend's Girlfriend."</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Am You

**Author's Note:**

> So apparently, I have ADD. It's not an extreme case but it's just so annoying. I have the option to take meds but I don't think I want to. I'm kinda pissed, relieved, annoyed and scared all at the same time. But I'm kinda glad that there's no H in between there. Things could be worse, huh?
> 
> Needless to say, I'll be on and off here until I get my head on straight.
> 
> Another short story to tide you guys over?

“Hey Mickey! You’re an asshole, right?”

Mickey frowned and turned his head towards his friend who was sitting beside him at the bar. Before he could reply though, Kev inserted himself into the conversation as he was serving drinks to the other bar patrons.

“Do you even have to ask him? He’s a fucking Milkiovich. Being an asshole is like a birthright or some shit.”

Mickey’s eyebrows rose but, once again, someone else butt in before he could say anything.

“I can vouch for that.” Jess said. “I’ve seen too many broken bones to think of this man as anything other than an asshole.”

Kev chuckled. “‘How big of an asshole is he?’ you may ask. Well, just to piss his homophobic father off, he announced his fag-hood right in the middle of his nephew’s christening. Case closed. First class asshole right here.”

“Alright, shut the fuck up.” Mickey growled before anyone else could interrupt.

Chris, Mickey’s friend, chuckled.

“Why’d you ask?” Mickey eyed Chris suspiciously.

“My girlfriend broke up with me.” Chris started.

“That’s, what, the fifth time this fucking month?” Mickey chuckled.

“That’s beside the point. Anyway, she kept calling me an asshole and how she could easily find a better guy out there than me.”

“No.” Mickey quickly shut it down before Chris says what Mickey thinks Chris is gonna say.

“C’mon man! Just go on one date with her to show her what a real asshole is like. Make her wish she never left me in the first place.”

“No.”

“I’ll pay you.”

Mickey raised his eyebrow and considered. “What if she falls in love with me?”

Chris almost fell off the barstool from laughing too hard.

~

That was how Mickey found himself parked outside this chick’s house in Iggy’s stolen car. He even had to dig through to the very back of his closet where he had all his old, dirty, torn up clothes hidden.

When the door opened, the girl daintily walked down the steps and frowned when she saw Mickey’s car.

“Ain’t she a beaut?” Mickey grinned proudly.

The girl eyed all the dents and scratches and the shattered backseat window and gave Mickey a forced grin before she carefully sat herself onto the front seat.

Mickey started the car and drove away.

He tried his best to swallow his laughter when he saw, in his peripheral, that she found Mandy’s underwear which Mickey casually threw onto the floor in front of her seat.

Mickey decided to give Chris his money’s worth. “So, Michelle, what kind of porn do you watch?”

The girl let out an insulted scoff. “My name is Brooke.”

“Close enough.” Mickey dismissed.

This might actually turn out to be a pretty fun night.

~

Towards the end of the date, Mickey is pretty sure that he just about busted his gut from holding in all that laughter.

He steered the car towards the sidewalk in front of Brooke’s house.

“So are we gonna fuck or what?” Mickey deadpanned, blowing the smoke from the joint he had in his hand.

“Excuse me?”

“I mean not really fuck just yet, I’ll let you suck my dick first. If you’re as good as you look, then we can move on to the main event.” Mickey winked.

“Oh my god. Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

“What’s wrong?”

“You show up to my house with this fucking death trap on wheels, you get my name wrong, you bring me to a fucking strip club for our ‘date’, you’re a dick to the bartender AND to the dancers, you made me pay for the fucking drinks that I did not even ask for, and you’re smoking a fucking joint while driving!”

“Oh, did you want me to share?” Mickey’s eyes grew in feigned innocence.

“You are such a fucking asshole!” She yelled and stepped out of the car, slamming the door hard behind her.

Mickey let out the laughter that he has been holding in for the most part of the night and drove towards the Alibi.

~

“YOU ARE THE FUCKING MAN!” Chris yelled when Mickey walked into the bar.

“Pay up.” Mickey grinned.

“Here man. Kev, get him a beer.” Chris said excitedly.

Mickey pocketed the money and accepted the beer that was placed in front of him.

“She just called me, like, right now asking me out on a date tomorrow. She fucking apologized, which she never ever did, and said that she made a mistake! Fucking A man. I owe you.” Chris kept bouncing on his barstool.

Mickey just sat down and kept smiling to himself.

“What are we celebrating here, boys?”

Mickey turned to his other side and saw a man probably in his 50’s leaning far too close to Mickey.

Usually, Mickey didn’t mind people butting in when he was talking to someone. Hell, half the time, he just assumed that either Kev or Jess were part of the conversation to begin with. But something was off with this guy.

Mickey didn’t like it.

But Chris, completely oblivious, started spilling his life story to this man. “My friend here just got me and my girlfriend back together.”

“And how did he manage that?”

“He went on a date with my girl and acted like the biggest asshole ever.”

The man chuckled.

“My girl called me the very second their date was over.”

“Really? How does one avail of your services?” The man asked looking thoughtful.

“No way. No way in hell. The fuck do you want me to do? Marry your fucking ex-wife and act like an idiot husband to force her into a fucking divorce? Fuck no.” Mickey answered, exasperated.

“No, just this boy I was seeing.” The man grinned when he saw that two pairs of eyebrows rose. “He’s talking about ending what we had going on and I’d like you to knock some sense into him, so to speak.”

Before Mickey could shut this whole thing down, Chris took over for him. “How much are you willing to pay?”

The man brought out a checkbook. “How much would you need?”

~

Mickey frowned as he realized that he was driving way too close to his own house. He did not know anything about this man. All he did was text him some bullshit about getting his number from a friend and the way he agreed to a date immediately was kinda creepy.

When the door opened, Mickey’s heart probably leapt out of his chest. He expected an old man with graying hair and a fucking beer belly. Not this!

The boy, yes he’s a fucking boy, didn’t even blink when he saw the beat up piece of crap Mickey was driving. He just went straight for the front seat, shut the car door and looked over at Mickey and smiled.

“Hi!”

That smile was gonna kill Mickey. “Hi Mark!” Mickey grunted.

The boy frowned, but only for a moment, before smiling once again. “The name’s Ian actually, but Mark’s okay. Hi Joe!” He winked.

Mickey had to bite his lip to stop himself from smiling.

“So, where we headed?” Ian asked.

“The Fairy Tale.” Mickey answered and didn’t even think twice when Ian froze.

~

Mickey parked the car, got out and immediately walked away without waiting for Ian. He nodded to the bouncer, got in and headed straight to an empty table and sat down.

“Jeez! Why are you in such a hurry?” Ian asked jogging after Mickey.

Mickey just shrugged and waved a waiter over.

“A bottle of whatever’s most expensive.” Mickey said and before he can imply that Ian should pay, he was interrupted.

“Just put it to my name Alex.” Ian told the waiter.

“Sure, Ian! Anything else?” The waiter said.

Mickey frowned in confusion.

“Actually, I’m going by Mark tonight.” Ian grinned towards Mickey and Mickey couldn’t help but grin back. “But yeah, I think that’s all we’ll have for now.”

“Okay, Mark. Be right back!” Alex the waiter said.

“You know the waiter?”

Ian nodded. “Actually, I know everyone here.”

“You come here that often?” Mickey asked.

“Yup! Every day except Sundays.”

“You’re that desperate for dick, huh?” Mickey asked.

“Not really. Just trying to keep a roof over my head and food on the table.” Ian smiled.

“You work here?”

“Yup! Funny, huh?”

“As what? A fucking bartender?”

“Nope! Dancer.” Ian replied, motioning to the half-naked men writhing on stage.

Mickey’s brain pretty much short-circuited.

Ian just chuckled when he saw Mickey’s reaction.

Mickey frowned. He was on a fucking job! He can’t afford to get distracted. “Wouldn’t mind getting in bed with that guy.” Mickey said, pointing to a guy on stage.

“Justin? Nah. His dick’s too small.”

Mickey’s eyebrows rose.

“What? It is! And he’s a noisy bottom. No fucking thank you.”

“How about him? I can see his dick from here.” Mickey said, motioning to another dancer. He was dead-set on being the world’s biggest asshole but Ian was making his job pretty difficult.

“Harold? Nah. He’s straight. He’s got a wife and a baby girl. He’s doing this to earn enough money to buy diapers and shit.”

Mickey frowned. “Him, then?”

“Erik? He’s okay but if you’re really looking for quality dick, you don’t have to look to far.” Ian smirked.

Okay, Mickey had to admit that was pretty smooth. But he had a check waiting for him, so Mickey had to deliver. “Oh yeah? If you think you’re such a hot shot, then why don’t you work in porn?”

Keeping in line with the ongoing theme of that night, Mickey did not get the reaction he was looking for.

Ian just chuckled. “Been there, done that.” He muttered.

Alex the waiter came back with their drinks and Mickey took three shots right off the bat. He was quickly running out of ideas.

Mickey took a quick look around the club, searching for inspiration, when he saw an old man getting a lap dance from one of the dancers. “Thinking of getting myself one of those, want one?” Mickey offered, motioning to the guy getting a lap dance.

Ian’s brows furrowed but he gave Mickey an amused smile, nonetheless. Ian slowly got up and Mickey was about to breathe a sigh of relief. Ian was finally walking away in anger.

But instead of walking away, Ian walked over to Mickey and straddled his lap. He leaned forward so that his mouth was right next to Mickey’s ear. “I’m off-duty right now, but for you, I’ll make an exception.”

Ian placed both his hands on Mickey’s shoulders and started rolling his body.

Mickey did not want to enjoy this, at all. But fuck, Ian was good.

Ian moved his body so that his butt was almost close enough to be touching Mickey’s crotch.

Ian leaned down and slowly moved his face towards Mickey’s, his eyes completely focused on Mickey’s lips.

“I don’t kiss.” Mickey murmured.

Ian stopped moving and smirked. “We better have more of these dates then, so I can change your mind.” He, then, leaned down and licked his way from Mickey’s neck to the spot below his ear. Then, with a low and husky voice, “It sucks, you know. This would’ve been better if I had my uniform on.”

Mickey’s mind was invaded by the image of Ian wearing those tiny gold shorts and he could almost feel all his blood rushing to his throbbing cock. “Fuck.” Mickey muttered.

Ian chuckled and detached himself from Mickey. He sat down beside Mickey and looked at Mickey’s face. “Looks like you enjoyed it.”

Mickey shrugged, pathetically attempting nonchalance.

Ian chuckled once again and leaned over to get a fistful of Mickey’s cock. “Mm-hm.” Ian said as he continued palming Mickey’s painfully hard penis through a too-thick layer of denim.

Mickey leaned his head back and let out a moan that he could no longer contain.

Then suddenly, the hand was gone. Mickey frowned and looked over at Ian. He still had that smirk on his face as he waved to a server to ask for a glass of water. “What’s your deal?” Mickey asked. He was out of ideas. This guy was completely impossible.

“Hm?”

“Do you like dating assholes? Is that a thing that turns you on?” Mickey asked.

Ian laughed. “No, not really. So you can stop trying to be an asshole, Mickey. I like you already.”

“What?” Mickey asked, more confused than ever.

“Let me guess, Southside, right?”

Mickey nodded.

“Deadbeat dad, absentee mom, known about your sexuality ever since you were young?” Ian asked, slowly sipping from his glass of water.

Mickey once again nodded.

“So you get this need to be an asshole because despite the fact that everyone knows you’re gay, you don’t want them to think of you as a ‘cock-sucking faggot’, am I right?”

Mickey raised an eyebrow. He didn’t like how Ian was assuming all this shit about him. Never mind the fact that he hit the nail right on the head. Mickey still didn’t like it. “Who the hell do you think you are?” Mickey snapped.

Ian just grinned. “I am you.”

“The fuck?”

“My dad’s a drunk, punched me a couple of times, boss freaked out about it. I’ve never met my mom. My family’s okay with me being gay, unfortunately that didn’t stop me from being fag-bashed a couple times on my way home from work.”

Mickey found it so fucking incredible that Ian said all this with a smile. But regardless, you couldn’t stop marveling at the fact that Ian pretty much lived his life. “Is that why it didn’t take much for me to get you to agree to this date?”

“Nah. That’s a whole ‘nother story.”

Mickey silently urged Ian to go on.

“Fuck, alright.” Ian sighed. “I’m just tired of being someone’s dirty little secret.”

Mickey frowned.

“The guy I was going out with, or actually no, scratch that. The guy I was sleeping with, forgot to tell me he was fucking married. Ended it immediately.”

“Fuck.” Mickey muttered. The old man at the bar never told him that. “Fuck!” Mickey said more forcefully as realization dawned on him.

“Yeah. Fucking asshole.” Ian muttered.

Suddenly, Mickey felt like some weight was lifted off of his shoulders. This was no longer a job and Ian was no longer a target.

He was suddenly on an actual date, the first Mickey’s ever been on, and there was only one thing Mickey so desperately wanted to do. “Wanna head on over to my place?” He asked.

“Took you long enough.” Ian grinned.


End file.
